my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
