i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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