mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
