Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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