just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
