I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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