hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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