she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
