when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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