I think my vagina is haunted
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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