Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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