Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
