why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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