How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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