I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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