I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
