I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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