are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
