Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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