I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
