I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
