I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
