I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
