How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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