I wish I could punch you in the face.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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