The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
