ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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