I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize