I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
