and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
