It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
