One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
