doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
