I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
