I looked at my own cervix.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
