I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
