Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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