It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
