We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
