Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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