Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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