Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
