Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
