I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
