Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
