She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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