I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
