My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize