Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
