Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
3pm strippers are depressing
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
