ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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