Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
