hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
