Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
