How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
