tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
