hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
