I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
