Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
