saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
