You're a womanizer and a bitch.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
